Whitemen Capital Is Proud to Stand Against Racism…Symbolically

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In these difficult times, our nation is forced once again to confront racial matters that many of us would prefer to avoid. At Whitemen Capital, the nation’s largest private investment fund in mortgages, health care, and for-profit prisons, we know that there is little we can do to directly address racial inequality, but we believe that we can and must play an important symbolic role in addressing this situation.

Moments like these require the leaders of Whitemen Capital to live up to our longtime motto, “Entitled to everything because we earned it.” And so in recent days, our board has done the hard work of holding Zoom meetings about race relations from our palatial homes. These conversations have been frank and at times uncomfortable — especially the one when our African American member was invited to participate — but they led us to the following discoveries about instances of sub-ideal tolerance in our firm’s proud history.

  1. The food station in our 35th floor cafeteria that offers savory Southern cuisine has long been labeled “Soul Food”, a designation we now understand might have caused offense.

We are proud to have put these incidents behind us, and urge the rest of America to follow our courageous lead. But we have to warn you: it’s not going to be easy to catch up! Over the coming year, we plan to finance almost a dozen college loans on fairly generous terms for underprivileged youth, to finally end the ongoing secret society founded by Josiah Whitemen to reinstitute slavery, and to launch a #WhitemenLead social media campaign, which will feature celebrities in glamorous locations telling the growing ranks of unemployed Americans about the dangers of scapegoating others for their problems.

Whitemen Capital is doing its part to end racism. How about you?

writer, socialist, wiseass

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